Toying With Teshuva – The Yo-Yo Of Persistence

The Torah portion, Nitzavim, is read on the Shabbat before Rosh Hashanah – a time when teshuva is on our minds. Teshuva, repentance, is the great mitzvah of the ten days beginning with Rosh Hashana and culminating on Yom Kippur.

There is no more appropriate Parsha to read right now, with Nitzavim teaching us, as the sages suggest, that teshuva is the commandment that’s “within our capacity and within our reach to fulfil.”

“It something that is very close to you. It is in your mouth and in your heart, so that you can keep it.” (Devorim 30:11-14)

Are you a smoker that’s tried to give up the habit this year? Chances are, you’ve gone through a whole bunch of stages, often convinced you’ve conquered the addiction only to suddenly crave a smoke again. It’s then that you likely feel that your efforts were for nought. You’ve gotten nowhere. Your desires and cravings are stronger than ever. You get frustrated and you give up.

But what if you stick to your resolve? What if you fight your desire time and time again, even when it feels like you’re getting nowhere?

At some point, something’s got to give. A day, a week and even a month might go by without any serious cravings. You might reflect and not be able to pinpoint exactly when or how it happened. One day things were tough. The next, you never smoke again.

Attempting to change our destructive character traits is a similar thing. It’s not even that we make progress in baby steps, but rather like a yo-yo. Sometimes we swing down as if we’re getting somewhere and then, without warning, we swing right back up to where we started.

It’s these feelings of hopelessness that often see us abandoning our efforts. We don’t feel capable. We feel pain at the lack of progress. But therein lies the test.

As long as we persevere, a time will come when we notice the change. A big change. What was difficult becomes trivial.

This doesn’t mean we can let our guard down. There’s the teshuva concept of “you will return” and that means the struggles may return, too. But when you’ve struggled and wrestled authentically – when you’ve done whatever you could “with all your heart and all your soul,” it is said that the Divine will “circumcise our hearts” to experience a paradigm shift.

The Torah refers to the culmination of teshuva as “finding.” It makes sense. You put in all the effort in your struggle and in the end, you “find” within yourself something new, without even realising when or how that change happened.

If we took teshuva as a step-by-step, gradual process, just as you would trying to give up smoking or embarking on a diet, it would be a pretty easy mitzvah.

But Hashem doesn’t make things easy. Instead, we struggle so that one day, without any warning, we open our hearts and souls to Heavenly assistance, making those efforts – those struggles – worth it.

So, it’s up to us. We can’t wait for others to do teshuva for us. We can’t blame anyone else for our shortcomings. We have no excuses. The ability to do teshuva is within our hearts and mouths.

It’s Elul and we all want to be moved to atone. We want to experience the joy and blessings of Heavenly assistance; of emerging from the Days of Awe renewed.

Whether you’re struggling with a poor character trait, an apology or simply want to set the intention to do better, make a chesbon ha-Nefesh, or self-examination, and spend time reassessing your priorities and values.

Think about yo-yos and struggles; perseverance and persistence.

Think about where and how you can do better in the coming year.

After all, it’s within our capacity and reach to fulfil teshuva. We just have to put in the effort.

Kesiva v’Chasima Tova!